


My Way Home Is Through You

by Sebastanbucky



Series: Mental Illness Series [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Crying, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Missing Persons, Poor Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:40:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29197749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sebastanbucky/pseuds/Sebastanbucky
Summary: Steve goes missing while on a mission and Bucky is a mess.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Mental Illness Series [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1470287
Comments: 2
Kudos: 43





	My Way Home Is Through You

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to cope with my depressive episode last week. I guess it's a metaphor for what i was going through. 
> 
> I tried to involve some of my OCD symptoms without making it all about OCD. Let me know if anyone would be interested in a story about OCD.

_Steve is on a mission. We’ve lost contact. Three days. We don’t know why._

The words overwhelm Bucky.

_Lost contact. Days. Don’t know why._

He’s sitting on their bed, phone in front of him, staring at the screen. He’s been in the same position since he got the call last night.

_Lost. Don’t know why. Three days._

His legs and back are aching from sitting in the same position for so many hours. He knows he should be hungry and tired; he doesn’t feel anything but anxiety. Deep, unavoidable panic.

_Lost. Three days._

He realizes no one called him. He can’t have been the only one they told. Why has no one checked on him? Not even Nat. It’s silent.

_Lost._

No one cares. No one is worried about him. They all tolerate him because they love Steve. Right now they’re probably all gathered somewhere waiting for news, while Bucky is a wreck, alone in his and Steve’s bed. No one thought to call him. Ask him if he is okay, as him if he wants to wait with them.

Why did Steve have to go on the mission alone? If Bucky had been there, he could protect Steve. Or at least they could be in trouble together.

He knows what they think. The people who called him. Could hear it in their voice. The finality of the words. They have given up on him, they think he’s, no. Bucky can’t think the word.

A few hours later he’s still in the same position. The room is bright, filled with sunlight. How dare the sun be out when there’s nothing good in the world? When Bucky can’t even go a whole year without losing- No. Don’t think about it. It’s not real. Steve is safe somewhere. His phone doesn’t have signal. The satellite phone broke. The tracker was lost.

_Lost. Lost._

He jumps when his phone rings, and answers without checking the caller ID, heart racing.

“Bucky Barnes?” The man on the other side of the phone says. It’s not Steve.

“Yes.” His throat is dry. The word burns on its way out.

“We are obliged to call with updates every day when someone goes missing” He sounds like he’s reading of a post-it. As if he has no care for the stress Bucky’s under. “And since you’re his family we can tell you that there has been contact but it’s unclear if this was from Steve himself as we couldn’t identify the sender of the coordinates.”

“Coordinates?” Family? Steve has him registered as family. The thought warms and breaks his heart at the same time. What if the last thing Steve ever says to him is that he’s family, _through S.H.I.E.L.D_ , and Bucky wouldn’t even know until Steve is already- _no! Stop it!_

“We received a satellite message a couple hours ago with coordinates to a place near where we had contact with Steve last.” He’s okay. He’s safe. He has made contact. “However, we cannot confirm whether these were sent by Steve or someone else. So, hang in there and we will call as soon as we know more.”

The phone goes dead. They’ve known for a few hours. And not called him?

_Family. Contact._

He is suddenly overwhelmed with anger. It stars in his chest and spreads through him until his hands are shaking. He can’t sit still any longer. They sent Steve in alone. They must have known it was dangerous. Why has no one been sent to look for him? Don’t they care that Captain America himself is fucking missing?

He starts pacing around the apartment. His body is stiff and weak from lack of sleep. The hand holding his phone up so he can see the screen as he paces shakes from the strain. He can’t fall apart. He needs to be strong. He must be okay when Steve gets back. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Steve doesn’t. _Don’t think about that, Steve is fine._

Soon the pacing isn’t enough. The anger has a tight grip on his chest, making it hard to breathe. Why did he go alone, with no back up, on a dangerous mission? Sure, it’s not a mission that’s any more dangerous than one person should be capable of dealing with, especially not a super soldier like Steve. But any mission is dangerous. _You should always have backup Steve!_

Steve has almost died before. Who is to say he won’t meet another brainwashed super soldier who shoots him multiple times?

Bucky stops pacing. He wasn’t the only winter soldier, he knows that. Can he be sure that all the other ones were killed in Siberia? What if there were others like him, that could be controlled enough. _No no no. Steve is fine._ Bucky would’ve known if there were any others.

He will not, _can_ not loose Steve. Oh god.

_Lost, four days._

Then he starts cleaning. It’s something he used to do when he felt out of control. It’s been a while, but his fingers are itching for it. He pulls everything out of every cabinet, drawer and box, reorganizes everything. Throws out things he doesn’t want anymore. Disinfects every surface before carefully putting everything back in. All the labels on anything are facing the same direction, positioned in perfect lines, alphabetized and color coordinated.

By the time he’s done night has fallen again. He hadn’t even noticed it getting darker. For a few hours he forgot, but when he sees the dark all around him it hits him all over again.

_Lost contact. Four days. Don’t know why._

He rushes back to his phone. Nothing. He doesn’t know what hurts more, no updates or no one asking if he’s okay. Perhaps everyone else has also given up.

He realizes with a jolt what he heard on the phone earlier. ‘ _Since you’re his family’_. The others don’t know about the coordinates.

He pulls up Nat’s number, ready to call. But what if she doesn’t believe they came from Steve? What if she thinks they were sent by someone else so they can find his body? His breathing picks up. He can’t be dead; she has to believe him. Steve is okay, Steve has to be okay, or Bucky will never be okay again. Just when he felt true happiness again. They can’t take Steve from him.

The pain in his chest is overwhelming. He curls up around it, wanting to scream his throat raw, but he knows it won’t bring Steve back. The bed is cold and feels too big and empty. With his arms wrapped around himself and his knees pulled up to his chin he begs. He hasn’t believed in God in a really long time, but just in case he’s real, Bucky begs.

_Please bring Steve back, I will never be bad again._

_I promise I’ll be good, please just let him be okay._

_I will never ask for anything else if you just give my Stevie back to me._

Morning rolls around again. As darkness slowly turns into bright light Bucky stares at the picture of him and Steve on his nightstand. The photo was taken a few months ago. It’s nothing special, just a moment of happiness and love caught by Nat. No matter what happens over the next few days, at least that will always stay the same.

Bucky realizes it’s day five. The odds of someone being found alive after three days are slim to nothing. _That was two days ago_. The panic starts coming back, but he’s so tired, he almost can’t feel it. His body is so exhausted it doesn’t have the energy to panic. The thought almost makes him laugh.

He hopes they at least find out how it happened. He’s heard that not knowing is the worst, you can never move on, never find peace with what happened. And he wants to have someone to put in the casket, no way he’ll have a funeral for an empty casket. _But Steve is fine… right?_

Judging by the sun, it’s some-time in the afternoon when there’s a knock on the door. Bucky wants to jump up and run to the door, _what if it’s Steve._ His body has other plans. His legs are shaky when he stands up, and he has to lean on the wall for support as he walks to the hall. The pain in his chest makes him walk hunched over, it’s unbearable.

On the other side of the door is Nat. He can’t make himself angry anymore when he sees her. It feels like he’s ripping at the seams he so carefully placed, and her presence is the only thing keeping him together.

“You look like you need a hug.” She says. It’s the only sympathetic voice he’s heard since Steve disappeared. He breaks.

She steps into the apartment and wraps him up in her arms. The tears are impossible to stop, they’re making him dizzy. Nat must notice how weak he is as she leads him to the living room and clumsily lower them both to sit down without letting go of him.

As soon as he’s on the couch and doesn’t have to concentrate on staying upright anymore all his energy goes into producing loud sobs that are so intense, he can’t breathe. He wants to tell her about the coordinates, that Steve is okay, that they will find him. But he doesn’t know that the coordinates were from Steve, and he can’t get a word out in between the sobs.

Every time he starts to calm down another wave of _lost contact, five days, don’t know why_ hits him and he’s right back where he started. Nat holds him tightly through it all. She strokes her hand through his hair and down his back over and over and lets him get snot and tears all over er shirt.

\---

He must have fallen asleep at some point. He wakes up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and it’s dark outside. He can hear Nat in the kitchen. _Please don’t be messing up the cabinets._ The sound of things falling onto the counter and Nat stuffing them back in the cabinets make him cringe. What is she doing? Everything has to be perfect if Steve is going to be okay.

As much as he wants to storm into the kitchen and yell at her, he doesn’t have the energy to move a finger. He closes his eyes and falls asleep again.

\---

“Bucky?” He hears her voice through the haze of sleep. His eyes are so heavy.

“Bucky?” He makes a sound to signal _I heard you, now let me sleep_. “Bucky, your phone.”

Only then does he hear the ringing. He jumps up so fast his vision goes white for a moment. When it clears, he sees her holding out his phone for him.

“Bucky Barnes?” It’s the same monotone voice who told him they got the coordinates.

“Yes?” He is terrified of the words that will come next. _Have they found him? Is he alive? Is he okay?_

“As you know we are obliged to give you any updates.” Bucky wants to scream at him to get on with it. “There has been confirmed contact with Steve Rogers. A team have been sent to retrieve him. He doesn’t seem to be hurt, although we don’t know all the details yet. We estimate they will be back in a couple hours. We will send you the details when we know the time and place.” Bucky almost bursts out sobbing again.

“Thank you.” He hangs up and stares at the phone. _Steve is okay. They know where he is, they are saving him._ The relief is almost dizzying, and he starts laughing.

“What?” Nat looks confused, no wonder, he was just sobbing his eyes out and now he’s laughing.

“They’ve got him.” Only now does he realize it’s the next day, how long did he sleep? “They have Steve.” He can finally breathe again.

For the second time in under 24 hours Bucky finds himself wrapped in the arms of someone who hates physical touch.

“God, I’m starving.” His stomach feels like it’s caving in. He hasn’t eaten in three days.

“I’ll make us some food.” Nat says as she lets go of him. Even in her own relief at Steve being okay, she was probably glad for an excuse to stop the hugging.

An hour later Bucky has a full stomach and no longer smell like a garbage can. He has also worked himself up again. They didn’t know how hurt Steve was, or what had happened. Will they wheel him out on a stretcher straight to the infirmary? Will he even be conscious? Will Bucky be allowed to see him? What if the contact they had with him was really jut them confirming the coordinates were from Steve? That wouldn’t mean anything.

They still have over an hour until Steve will be landing. The time the past few days have moved so fast, perks of dissociating, but the next hour will be the slowest of Bucky’s life. Nat was up all night watching over Bucky, so she’s taking a nap.

He pulls everything out of the kitchen cabinets again. Nat didn’t mess it up too bad, but he has to start over again to get it right. Even though he knows it’s not necessary he disinfects the cabinets before he carefully puts everything back in. He repeats this process three times before it feels right.

“Ready to go downstairs?” Nat calls from the bathroom. He hadn’t noticed she was up, or what time it was.

When the Quinjet lands in front of the building Buckys heart is racing and his palms are sweaty. He has no clue what will meet him. The image of Steve on a stretcher flashes in his mind before it is replaced with a body on a stretcher covered in a sheet. The seconds move too slowly as the door inches open.

As soon as the back of the Quinjet is completely open, Bucky moves closer. He can see people walking around, some people exiting, but no stretcher. His nerves are going crazy.

But then, there is Steve. And he’s walking out by himself. Bucky takes of in a run, he needs to get to Steve. _Right. Now._

As soon as he’s in Steve’s arms he’s crying again. He thought he felt relief when he got the phone call earlier, but this relief if much better. This relief comes with safety, and reassurance that Steve really is okay.

“You’re okay.” Bucky pulls back enough to get a good look at Steve. He has some bruises, and multiple cuts on his face has been bleeding, but it doesn’t look worse than a usual mission.

Steve smiles, and it melts Bucky. “I’m okay.”

“What happened?”

“The usual, captured, they took my phones.” He says it so casually, like he has no idea what Bucky has been going through the past few days.

“I was worried sick. I thought you were- It doesn’t matter, you’re safe now.”

“I’m safe now.” And then Steve kisses him. It feels like it’s been years, but really, it’s only been two weeks since Steve left. Bucky can finally, finally _relax._

“Let’s get you home. You’re probably exhausted.” Bucky doesn’t want to let go, but he knows it will be hard to get home if they stay in this position. “I’ll take care of you.”


End file.
